Sunday, August 17, 2014

Stewie Meets the Cabbies and the Old Farts

So, there's this online writers' forum where Beard hangs out. I forget what it's called, but I do know he posts under the name of my cousin, Haggis Chihuahua. I met the real Haggis Chihuahua the other day. For now, all you need to know is that anyone who barks at me like Haggis did is a jerk. Unless, you know, it's a friendly bark accompanied by a lot of butt sniffing and other generally accepted social niceties. But more about Haggis in a later post. 

The pictures Beard uses for what they call his avatar look suspiciously like me. They don't look a thing like Haggis. Which is all beside the point.

When he's not on Facebook chatting with all the people he's banninated from this unnamed website, he's on the unnamed site hanging out with all kinds of disreputable people, animals, and batteries for way too many hours. Guy's addicted. I know this because the other day I went up to him and said, "Dude. Food."

And he said, "Yeah. Just a minute."

He lied. It took way more than a minute, whatever a minute is.

The worst thing is, he talks about these reprobates all the time--as if they actually exist in real life, which we know they don't. They couldn't possibly, could they?

Last night I had a dream about some of the creatures he's talked about lately. No, not really a dream. More of a nightmare. Worse, I dreamed I was one of them. Let me tell you about it and who I saw....

I saw An English professor from somewhere in Maine
Who resides in the head of a moose. That's insane.
An ancient new father who has a young daughter,
Who thinks he's a bear. I don't think that he ought'er.

A post office carrier who always delivers,
Her Syn, though, is what always gives me the shivers.
An old Army veteran who simply won't hear
He should open his wallet and buy the next beer.

A sweet TV lady who's wearing the "L."
Who sure does her damnedest darnedest to keep us from Hell Heck.
A cat from South Africa, wearing big glasses
Who wonders how she got involved with such asses.

A sparkling unicorn with a huge smile
And an ancient seagull we ain't seen for awhile.
An old Everready who brings folks their Jello,
A sheep and two feet and an upside down fellow.

An undead old baby who brandishes axes
And a strange pregnant gal who is studying taxes.
A transformer lady who's never a bore,
And an Ol' Fashioned Gal who will give you what for.

A desert Chiquita whose mule wasn't there
And back to the Old Farts there's yet a new bear.
A human named Peter, a Duchess who scowls
And lonley and friendless, a guy with some vowels.

A guy with two fingers and a Tiddle who winks.
A New Jersey beach bum and a bunneh who stinks.
A NASCARish lady and a doll with large eyes
And a man with a van and some duct tape and lies.

There's Mel in the kitchen and Bernie the Yak,
And our drunken fairy's asleep in the sack.
A dragon who's floating along in a boat,
Two fingers, more cats and that's all that she wrote.

I know there are more, but my minds' in a fog
As yours would be too if like me, you're a dog.


  1. Oh, Stewie, those creatures sound truly frightful and you should bite Beard on the ankle if he makes you wait for your food ever again.. But you are an awesome poet, among other things..

    Now, where's the smiley for 'Rolling On The Floor Laughing My A$$ Off?

  2. Oh Miss Gail it was a terrible terrible thing I had to go through and I thank you for your compassion especially about the food part because that really sucked Beard deserved to have his ankle bitten or possibly gnawed off but Im missing so many teeth I couldnt do it but Angel could but shes too scared so I'll keep on eating so that maybe some day I can sit on him and crush him and then I wont have to be afraid of batteries and cats (no offense) and dragons and fingers and upside down dudes and Muppets and bunnehs and meeses and bears and Portuguese unicorns because

  3. I'm glad you're not afraid of undead babies with axes. We're really very nice when you get to know us.

  4. All we have to do is ax you out, right?

  5. I'd first come up with a plan, then hatchet..

  6. But remember -- not everyone can hack it.


  8. Hmm. Good to know, Stewie. Can I chop up non-relatives in Massachusetts?

  9. Not even if you're tired of her cuisine. :)

  10. I sure am glad I'm in New York. *fires up Newbiecue*